Saturday, March 24, 2018

The Dating Kingdom

Frozenland
Coming 2020

Marvel Land
2023


Back when I worked at Disneyland, one of the performers had a crush on me. I thought nothing of it at first since almost all of the men in the entertainment division are gay. It turns out, he is not. But I had a boyfriend at the time, so it never made any difference. We kept in touch when he left for another job. We talked on the phone from time to time and got together in groups, but we never spent any time alone, just the two of us.

During a recent phone call, we talked about acting and the theater. I'm going to call him Russell, after Russell Crowe, because he takes his thespian career a little too seriously and they are both Australian. Russell casually asked me how my boyfriend was doing. I mentioned that he just got a promotion at work and that we were no longer together. Russell's face lit up, at least as far as I could assume over the phone. He immediately asked me out on a date. I always knew that he used to have a crush on me, but I assumed that he moved on.

I said yes. If I was diving back into the dating pool, I reasoned, I might as well say yes to someone I have known for a few years. Dating can easily destroy a friendship, but we were never great friends anyway. We had things to talk about, mostly acting, and I knew a lot more about him than most dates.

Russell suggested we go to Disneyland. I was thinking dinner and a show, but under the circumstances, Disneyland made sense. We both used to work there and he had never been back since he quit. I would never go there on a blind date or with someone I just met. Once in the park, you are basically stuck with that person all day. I already knew Russell, so that was not a problem. It made even more sense when he suggested that since he suggested it, he should pay for it. When we worked there, we could always get in for free. Now, Disneyland is ridiculously expensive.

At most Disneyland parks, the rides are jam packed and people go to the live shows while waiting for something else. In China, the theaters are full and some of the ride lines move quickly. Russell considers himself a serious actor, and has left his frivolous days as a Disney performer behind him, but he wanted to see at least one stage show while we were there.

We saw Mickey and the Wondrous Book at the Storybook Theater. Russell did not recognize anyone in the cast. The turnover rate is pretty high at Disneyland. I struggled to think of anyone who might still be working from his time. I was the last person he kept in contact with, and I left a year ago.

After the show, we went on a few rides, but Hong Kong Disneyland is the smallest Disney park in the world. You can easily do it all in a short day. That might be one of the reasons the shows are so popular. Still, Disneyland is a great place for a date. Everything and everyone around you is happy and it's a nice, wholesome place to spend the day.

Unless your date makes it creepy.

Standing in line for it's a small world, Russell revealed more than I wanted to know.

“You know what I've always wanted to do on this ride?” he asked me. “Get a blowjob.”

Small World is not a dark ride. It's a “dark ride”, but it is not dark. You can clearly see the other people in your boat and the boats ahead of you. There are no rides at Hong Kong Disneyland where you can do anything like that. I would never want to anyway. Not on a first date or a thousandth date. When I go to Disneyland, I want to see children having the time of their lives, not horny dudes getting their poles waxed.

I tried not to overreact. After all, he did not ask me to do anything untoward on the ride. He merely pointed out one of his fantasies. Maybe someday he will meet a girl inconsiderate enough to do something like that around children. Or maybe he will grow up.

Most of the rides at Disneyland are perfect for children or adults with broken heads. Disneyland has always been more about the fantasy environment than roller coasters. As long as Russell kept it in his pants, we could easily enjoy the park. Then he wanted to go on Space Mountain.

My doctor told me not to get on any roller coasters for a few months, but that was a few months ago. Eventually, he told me that I would know when I was ready. I suppose after the medical restrictions passed, it was purely psychological. Hong Kong Disneyland only has two roller coasters, so it was always going to be a safe place, but now I had to make a decision.

Russell knew about my car accident, and even though I never got into any real detail with him, he knew why I was wearing a hat. Unlike a previous date, he never complained about it. But he wanted to go on Space Mountain, and he wanted me to go with him.

I used to love going fast. I have been to Valleyfair in Shakopee a million times. I would ride the roller coasters as much as possible, lines permitting, especially Renegade, Wild Thing and High Roller. I don't know if I could do Mad Mouse anymore. Corkscrew would be out. I don't think anyone has ever ridden that without banging their head.

I went ahead and said yes to Space Mountain. I figured the pitch dark of the ride would be on my side, even though I have a problem with darkness. My greater concern was all the rolling and coasting. At the beginning of the ride, when it's slowly moving through the space port, or whatever that is supposed to be, I had second thoughts. What would I do if this happened? How would I handle that? It was too late to do anything about it. I was trapped.

The ride was determined to go ahead whether I liked it or not. As it turned out, I liked it. Nothing popped inside my head, but I had to close my eyes most of the time. Not because it was a fast ride, but because it was dark. Opening my eyes in the dark bothers me more than high speed dips and turns. There are no real dips on Space Mountain and the turns were never too fast.

Russell was encouraged by my lack of medical emergencies and wanted to hit the other roller coaster. Fortunately, we had all of Adventureland between the two.

The Jungle River Cruise has English and Chinese options. I recommended the Chinese since the English cast members are not necessarily as comfortable delivering the jokes in a foreign language. Timing is important in comedy. You have to really know the language. Those who are still learning English tend to rush through their script. “Knock knock who's there ghost ghost who ghost spooky boo ha ha.” The Chinese jokes are a different style, but they are delivered properly.

Russell wanted English because he knows precious little Chinese, but the English line was twice as long as the Chinese, for some reason. It is almost always the opposite. We went with Chinese, not that it made any difference. If you have been on the ride, you know pretty much what they are going to say – Schweitzer Falls, ginger snaps, two of his heads for one of yours, lions can jump 20 feet, apes find bananas appealing, etc.

Next to Adventureland is Grizzly Gulch, Hong Kong's version of Frontierland. The only ride in Grizzly Gulch, and the other roller coaster in the park, is Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars, Hong Kong's version of Big Thunder Mountain. It's slower than Space Mountain, but about halfway through the ride, it stops and moves backward. If you have never been on it, it's pretty sneaky how they do it. After riding backward for a while, it stops again and pauses for a few seconds. If it's your first time, they want you to think it has broken down. If you have been on it before, you know exactly what is going to happen. When it starts up again, it shoots away much faster than before. They are called runaway cars for a reason.

I wanted to go on it. It is arguably one of the best non-New Orleans Square rides at any Disney park, and sometimes my favorite in Hong Kong. Most parks have no New Orleans Square, but for some reason, Hong Kong does not even have a Haunted Mansion or Pirates of the Caribbean. I can understand the Haunted Mansion for cultural reasons, but those Mighty Pirates movies were popular in China.

Since nothing bad happened on Space Mountain, I took the plunge and went on Grizzly Mountain. I already knew about the surprise twist, so there were no surprises. Other than the fact that going fast backward did not bother me at all.

After spending a wholesome day at the happiest place in South China, Russell wanted to go back to my place and do decidedly unwholesome things.

“The perfect way to end a perfect day,” he said.

I said no. We left the park together, but ended our date at the Kowloon MTR station.

I will probably go out with him again if he asks. There were a couple of creepy moments, but I don't know what issues he is dealing with in his head. I can't assume he is a raging pervert. Maybe he has simply not gotten laid in a while. I used to think he was gay. Obviously, I don't know anything about his sex life.

Overall, it was a good day.

4 comments:

  1. Frozenland looks like a cartoon. I know its from a cartoon but lands at Disney are real 3d. This looks like a drawing?

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  2. Those are concept drawings. Neither land has been built yet.

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  3. Valleyfair is life. Corkscrew, venom & wild thing are the tank! Renegade & mad mouse are okay. Corkscrew knocks you around but that's part of the experience. Don't forget soak city.

    Horny dudes getting their poles waxed made me LOL.

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  4. It's hard to forget Soak City, especially when it's hot and humid outdoors. But this post was about bouncing, jerking, rough and tumble roller coasters. Soak City is all water rides.

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No hate, please. There's enough of that in the world already.