The Great Wall of China32. With a Little Friends For My Help

People always ask me if it is awkward to live with a couple. We have a three bedroom apartment and different work schedules, but it would be uncomfortable if we were not all friends. I would definitely be a third wheel with any other couple.

I generally prefer not to live alone. Technically, I had my own place when my previous boyfriend moved out, but Lily often stayed over and eventually moved in. I like having people around, and having brain surgery only reinforces that. Without Lily and Kevin, I don't know how I would have functioned, especially in those first few weeks.

When I got home from the hospital, I was supposed to avoid strenuous activity and take it easy. That might sound like a vacation, but things still need to get done. Laundry cannot be ignored. Everyone has to eat and someone has to do the dishes. Apartments do not clean themselves. This is not Japan.

BBB – before broken brain – I did most of the dishes in the house. I always did more cooking than anyone else, and I like to wash up as I go. When dinner is served, I want as few dirty dishes in the sink as possible. The fair trade was that Lily and Kevin mopped floors and dusted. I have not mopped a floor in years. We were all responsible for our own bathrooms and laundry, but no one ever objected if anyone added a few clothes to their load. Everyone pitched in whenever the clothes hanging out to dry were threatened by heavy wind or a typhoon.

ABB, they are doing everything; cooking, dishes, laundry, housecleaning, etc. Making meals for me has never been easier since nothing has any taste, but my laundry reached absurd levels. When you have pretty much any type of surgery, there is going to be some leakage in the beginning. The towels over my pillows had to be changed daily, as did the pillow cases and sheets for the first few days. By the second week, the pillow cases could stay a few days, but the towels were still changed daily to avoid any kind of infection. Loading and unloading a washing machine was too much for me, especially unloading a hot machine in the humidity, so Lily got to deal with all of that.

Lily was essentially my nurse. She still is, but I am more self-sufficient lately. I can cook a full meal, but not when the kitchen gets too hot. I also worry about using too much salt since I can no longer season to taste. The safest option is to use too little and everyone can add whatever they need at the table. After I dropped Kevin's favorite mug and watched it shatter in a thousand pieces, we all decided that I should take a break from dishes for a while. Since Kevin works all day, Lily gets to pick up the slack. Fortunately, I spent the first week in the hospital. Had I gone home immediately after the surgery, Lily would have been stuck bathing me, feeding me and dealing with my drug induced hallucinations. And she would have done it. She is a true friend.

Since Lily works nights, Kevin was my night nurse. He had the easier shift since I was mostly exhausted at the end of every day. His main job was making sure that nothing happened. The seizure issue was only a precaution. I never had any, but if you are going to have a seizure, you might want to have someone nearby.

Having friends is always important in life, but you really know who your friends are when the shit hits the fan. When you have your brain cut open, everyone around you reacts in their own way. When I was in the hospital and no one knew where I was, everyone was concerned. That is comforting to know. I think not having anyone care if you disappear would be the worst thing in the world.

When I got home, Lily and Kevin were with me every step of the way. Not only because we live together. They would have helped me out no matter what. Some friends came to visit and brought flowers and chocolate. That was kind of ironic since I can't smell or taste anything, but the effort is far more important than the result. And flowers look nice either way.

Some friends stayed away. Nobody loves you when you're down and out, but it is extremely important to keep in mind that not everyone deals with medical issues with a brave face. Some people did not want to see me bald and scarred. It was not that they did not care. They simply did not know how to react. Some people freeze in a crisis. Some people panic. That does not make them bad people. We all want to think that we would be the heroes who save the day in an emergency, but you never know until it happens. The fight or flight response is very strong. Sometimes flight is the best choice.

Most people try to say supportive things. “You'll get better in no time.” “The survival rate is whatever percent.” “Thoughts and prayers, etc.” They certainly mean well, and saying something amazingly profound is completely unnecessary. Some people say terrible things. “My uncle had that same surgery. He died.” “That's nothing. Once, I cut my finger opening a jar.” “You were supposed to take me to the airport.” Again, it is important to remember that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Getting mad at someone who is injured is actually fairly normal, psychologically. It has something to do with an inability to communicate fear properly. Few people would actually come out and say, “The way you look right now scares the hell out of me. I'm going to disappear for a while until you start to look normal.”

To date, I have lost a few friends. I have no idea if they are ever coming back, but if they do, I will welcome them with open arms. I can't blame them for not knowing how to react. I don't have the faintest idea how I would react if the situation were reversed. The people I was closest to before everything happened are still around. I don't know if I will ever be able to thank them enough.


The Great Wall of China part 1